A very sweet & beautiful dream that my mother is going to touch my forehead with her lips while I am asleep knocks me since my childhood. But one would be foolish to think over how much she loves me in reality. Up to the expectation or beyond it , this is up to you, the readers...
She always needs to find faults with me on whatever I do but I get mercy from my father for the same doings, and for that matter since my childhood it was in my mind that her love in comparison to my father's seemed to be dull .it was only when I happened to get the first realisation that I had to rethink over it when in a morning I, while half-dossing in bed, got a sensation of being touched by a pair of lips on my cheeks. It was really shocking for me! I couldn't just identify my mother with the images she used to appear before me. Just think of the person you are afraid of becoming executed by if you happen to commit any mischief and, on the contrary, just imagine the same person kissing you when you are asleep! It's just impossible! There grew a strong doubt over the activity my mother used to do with me. I asked myself, " if she is to kiss me in the morning while I am dossing in bed, why does she keep beating the whole day when I am full of my senses?. As there would be so much protest by me while getting thrashed" There might be a reason for her selection of the particular timing of doing this particular job and I understood it well. The reason is that in my childhood I had a strong protest against anyone trying to kiss me without my permission. And I was not going to permit anyone but my father for this happening. And to tell you about my mother? She was always busy holding my ears with her one hand and was ready with a "khunti" with the other.
But one day she was caught red handed! My eyes were open and she came to know it just after accomplishing the illegal deed to me when she looked at my face before turning back to a new day. At that moment I got the feelings the same as one feels when cheated for so long by one's dear one. I started crying, saying..." Tumi amk lukia chum Khao tar mane!" But she was not in a mood to surrender to me but smartly said," Dhur! Ki akebare pochha mukh! Chum khete amr boyei gachhe oke!" It often happened to me when I was beaten by her in my childhood that I was compelled to say to her," Never kiss me again I say!" In those days I wouldn't let her touch myself and, for the time being, my father was the best companion I had ever seen in my life. After getting thrashed by my Mother, I usually used to be waiting for the arrival of my father to make a long complaint with him against her.
Just think about how difficult it is to understand the way she wants to love me and wants me to be loved by others. She surely gets hurt when I get beaten by others but by her herself. I just recently started going to school. I was a boy studying in class"I" with an indistinguishable figure having the tendencies of making all the mischiefs a boy at that age has in his surroundings. Once I happened to get scolded and beaten by a teacher in my school. That experience was so bad that I couldn't forget it till now. After arriving home I was silent but I don't know why she was always able to judge my emotions correctly. She asked me touching my head," What happened? I broke down on just that day but never again or before. I noticed the tears in my mother's eye, but I realized I shouldn't have done it before my mother. I, don't know why, had grown up with an inborn sense that it is very shameful & disgraceful to cry in front of others being a boy specially but on that particular day I can't help doing it. I had never cried whenever she beat me. There was a sensation utterly new to me as I had never seen my Mother crying before myself. It was just something not bearable to me. I immediately tried to check myself and hugged her tightly by saying, " Maa, amar to lageni ektuo, sudhu voy peye gachhilm". I just can't understand her love for me. If I take it as an exceptional one, she neither breaks down in front of me on the day before nor gets over emotional making me happy ever.
In my childhood, would anybody ask me who loves you the most? Right immediately after, I, immittating Shaktiman, a very shought after super hero, resting both of my hands on my waist, would respond... " My father!" But my father, listening to me, used to say " this is not me who loves you the most but your Maa, better say I can't just afford it like she does... Never."
But my going to Mumbai had a crucial effect on my parents. While departing the same helpless tears were rolling down on her cheeks and to bid me farewell she had kissed me once and I was full of my spirit & sense then. I couldn't make any protest as I didn't realise the significance of her crying on that day, rather I touched her feet to be blessed. Thereafter the heartless reality took me to the perfect feelings of what she is in my life. It took me two years to get back to her after I went to Mumbai. And at the very first show, I noticed both of my parents grew older, weaker & more anxious than ever before and their ages as well. To get me back, she was happy but I was in a worried sensation that I didn't let out to anyone. "They shouldn't be aged, I wouldn't let them be weak anymore. Had I been here they wouldn't have become so aged and weak as they appear to be now." I asked myself, " when I was in Mumbai, whom did she use to kiss? Who was there to hug & kiss her the way I used to do her earlier?" I came to a conclusion that if she is or they are to be ever young they need to hug me, kiss me & love me to the core of their hearts. And it has to be done soon. I needed to depart for Mumbai after a month of staying but I , at length, was able to change the circumstances.
There is one more thing My mother always cherishes in herself and that is her belief on God. And here also she wants me following her in spite of all my whys & buts. She possesses a mind & heart that believes in rituals, in worshipping God, & in sanctimony. Sometimes I take advantages of this weakness of hers. Suppose , this is a Thursday and She, on these particular days , would never allow me to touch anything lying in her places related to her "Pujor jogar". And I, on those days, usually become more active in doing such things that will certainly irritate her but I know for sure that I have to make a safe distance from her at first. In pursuance to irritate her I often take shelter of a comment, " Brihospotiber tumi toh amk vulei jao." It needs an explanation to understand it properly. I noticed my mother when she was in a Pujor kapoor and till the time she finished her puja oriented rituals she spared me for whatever mischief I committed in between. It often happened that I stole pujor , Nokul dana, Batasha, Fol, sometimes Naru & sondesh. The more tasty they were, The more happier was I in stealing and enjoying them. I was never beaten for that matter though but it would be very foolish to perceive that all those things were beyond her eyes.
I used to see my mother being of a mind full of anxiety. Anxiety for whom & what? For me... For what I am & will have to go through in my life. I see her working all day, always busy with household work and never resting for a while, just like a robot. I feel bad sometimes as I still can't afford her a bit of leisure. I can remember that on Sundays she always wanted me taking a long nap right beside her. There were some stories of animals, Kings etc. She wanted me to fall asleep soon but I never felt sleepy. I just kept waiting for her to fall asleep and just to overstep her for going outside. Sometimes I offered her some kisses as bribes and made an earnest request, "Ma, aami baire khelbo, jete dao na..." To tell the truth my bribes had only twenty percent of positive results.
But now I have full faith in my bribes offering to her, and when I am to go outside , whether it is for school , for College & anywhere else, she needs me to touch her lips on my forehead before my leaving... That's my mother and this is what exactly I feel her in myself...đ đđđ
One of my living Gods & Goddesses... đđđđĨ°
